What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 04:10
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
When she asked me how she looked .
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Do you have pics of the wife making out with another guy?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Do you feel uncomfortable when you come across cross dressers?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Which is better, a naked picture of some one you know or porn videos?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why don't younger men like older women?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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I think the readers, may guess!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ive learnt so much.
She loved him until the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She married twice! .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Would this be the day?
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But, we were locked up after school.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
Who then, do I blame.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So, i spoilt her more .
We were not on the streets..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I will be 64.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot live in the past .
She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We all went to grammer schools
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It was going to be , some day.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My life is so biszare .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i do to all so called friends.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was 9 years of age.
She wouldn,t have been !
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I said to her
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
All the time i was locked up.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I have no regrets .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!