What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:21
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Put me off passion for life!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why do almost all vertebrates have tails, but not apes and frogs?
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
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She found it foreign!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i lived it daily.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im still living with it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I will be 64.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Would this be the day?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was in good health!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Comes on , in middle age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I don,t even have a pension.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I could never make a relationship work though!
When she asked me how she looked .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We all went to grammer schools
He resisted the act ,that day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I write beautiful poetry .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were not on the streets..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it wasn’t much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
What did i know ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was scared of men, in general
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is soul school!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
My life is so biszare .
He knew the spot.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My family never makes their pension either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I said to her
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I have no regrets .
So, i spoilt her more .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
(And it was in our own minds.)
All the time i was locked up.
She wouldn,t have been !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.